RUETERS: New Name for Celebrity

December 15, 2006, 4:46 PM EDT

BONO CHANGES NAME TO SOMETHING LESS AWKWARD

At a press conference this afternoon, U2 band leader Bono announced he will lose his socially embarrassing moniker and return to the name given to him at his christening.

Bono said at the conference, “I am forever grateful to my stage name, and to the countless drunk women that have found it humorously cute and arousing. But I have found that sex, much like eating, takes away from my important work as Differences Uniter Specialist. I am changing my name to be true to myself. In the Bible - which I haven’t read but I based a lot of my early lyrics on what some homeless guy told me about it - names held a certain power to shape the life and define the inner spirit of an individual. Therefore I am changing my name back to Wussy McPreacherbitch.

“Oh, and I’m hiring an illegal immigrant to hold my microphone during concerts so I can save my arm muscles for giving the peace sign.”

Supporters of the super-band front man have embraced the change, while some fans are worried that this obvious attempt to reconnect with his Irish roots will hobble his plans to break down racial barriers.

“The world’s greatest philanthropist wants everyone to see him as more Irish?” wrote u2me3 on the U2 message board. “Why doesn’t he just shoot an Ethiopian child and change his name to Shyster von Jew?”

Bono was quick to respond to the public debate. His PR representative released this statement just a few hours after the story broke:

Wussy is aware that various people groups will have a hard time adjusting. So he will once again take strides to bridge the ethno-gap by tattooing his flesh with every possible shade of human pigmentation, leaving room, of course, for patches of ape fur so we do not offend our Evolutionally Challenged Eco-Brothers.

In the meantime, Bono’s follow band members are taking notice of the debate. During an interview with Touched Magazine, The Edge expressed interest in changing his name to Won Note, and, even though Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen, Jr. have declined to comment, paparazzi in Berlin snapped photos of the duo spelling out possible names with Scrabble pieces.